Yesterday started out great. I went for a 2 mile walk, did laundry, cleaned up the kitchen, edited some photos and some other stuff all before 8 am. I made my green smoothie and put the tofu fajita marinade in the refrigerator. Liesl played inside, we read some books and I did another load of dishes (oh yea, 2 loads..it was bad). Then, around 9:30 I became soooo hungry. So, I snacked on some string cheese, but that just wasn't cutting it. When lunch finally came, I was famished. I made the tofu fajitas and had one...and then half of another. I jotted down the calories and frowned. It's sometimes easier to just buy pre-packed stuff because then you know exactly how many calories are in it. I hate doing the math of adding up all of the calories while I'm cooking. Well, looking at the calories for the fajitas was disappointing--I guess I never looked at the calories in the tortillas I buy, just the price.
130 calories for 1 tortilla? really????
After the damage had been done, I put my grumpy, fussy, whiny toddler to bed and debated working out for 20 minutes. Seriously, I sat on the couch and thought about it. I knew I would be starting Week 5 of the 'LCW' and I had a headache creeping up on me. I chose to rest and watch 'New Moon'. Sounds like an okay plan, yeah? Well, had I just rested and not let my appetite get in the way, sure. But sitting with idle hands while watching a movie isn't something I usually do. Sometimes I knit or browse the net or entertain a toddler but not today. Nope. I was distracted by a certain tooth. The sweet tooth. I was craving something sweet..or fattening..or just plain bad for me. I came *this close* to busting into Liesl's Easter peeps but instead pigged out on her gummy treats. 6 packs to be exact. Looking back on it I wonder, "How in the world could I do that?" It's like something in my brain "clicked" and I went into auto mode and turned into an all consuming, food monster. All consuming because it didn't stop there. I heated up some of the alfredo I made earlier in the week and had crackers and alfredo sauce. Boy, do I regret not working out at lunch yesterday! I have became used to exercising during Liesl's nap so having all of that extra time on my hands was...overwhelming. It left me with myself and with a temptation that I haven't had in awhile. The temptation to just say "screw it" and eat whatever I want, whether it's good for me or not, or whether I'm even truly hungry.
But I have to pick myself up again. I can't stop here and continue this harmful way of life. It will lead to an early grave, for sure. More than even that, it's about freedom. I want to be free of this desire to eat and eat and eat, and there is only One Way to true freedom.